Wedding vs. Marriage

Together is a beautiful place to be

"Your wedding is one day—marriage is hopefully a lifetime." ~ Rachelle Heinemann

With peak wedding season still upon us and a few upcoming weddings on our calendar, it is a good time to remind ourselves of how easy it is to lose sight of what matters. We get so caught up in the fanfare of the wedding itself that we forget it’s just an event, albeit an important one.

I wrote recently about the sweet wedding of my daughter and son-in-law and the simple decorations we used for the ceremony and reception. The post wasn’t about the wedding. It was about my favorite flower — hydrangeas — and, in part, why I love them so much. We used them everywhere at her wedding and I brought them home and planted them in my yard. They grew beautifully and had gorgeous blooms from spring through fall, so I had fresh flowers in my house almost all year long. They were meaningful because they reminded me of that day. This post is about the wedding. But it’s also about marriage.

Her wedding wasn’t a big one. It was a small ceremony at a lovely botanical garden, with the bride and groom having one attendant each, a junior bridesmaid and a flower girl. It was an intimate ceremony in a beautiful chapel with no more than 100 attendees.

Although on the smaller side, we did pull out all of the stops and had great fun assigning titles to the helpers: a minister of transportation to ensure out-of-town guests knew when and where to go and made sure the elders got there safely, and a butterfly czar who was in charge of the butterflies the couple released together after the ceremony. It could not have been a more beautiful wedding and I would not change a thing about it.

Not only did they have the most beautiful wedding, but fast forward a few years later, and you will see the most beautiful life, and a relationship worthy of envy.

Planning the wedding

At the time, I was a corporate event planner. Outside of my day job I took on a few weddings, and since then, I have planned more than a few. Most of them have been sizeable events with big budgets. With all of their planning and preparation, as a planner or an attendee, weddings are a lovely experience, and I have always been honored to play a part in a couple’s special day.

A lot of planning goes into a wedding — or any event. From formal and elegant to a hoedown in a barn, a plated dinner, or a BBQ buffet, 25 guests or 300, the planning process is the same, no matter how big or small. They are a lot of work, and I respect the time, effort, and money that goes into them.

Sometimes, though, I think it is easy to get lost in the fanfare — the dress, the shoes, the venue, the attendee list, flowers, gifts, invitations, food, transportation, and a thousand other details. The details are never-ending. We get so caught up in all of that — having a dream wedding — that we often don’t focus enough on what the relationship will look like after the wedding. What does it look like to blend and spend our lives with someone?

It looks different for everyone.

Planning for life

I am not a marriage and family expert. But it is notable to mention that this week, my husband and I celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary. We are not that old! But we did get married young and have spent our lives raising a beautiful family and making a beautiful home. It has not been easy, and plenty of people — including ourselves —did not think we would make it, let alone this long. We are still in the trenches, making this thing work.

We choose to stay. We’ve been together, and we’ve been apart. Life is just better together. He gets on my last nerve when he sleeps with six pillows. He drives me up the wall when he piles shit everywhere. And it infuriates me when he makes plans to help other people when he has a hundred unfinished projects at home. But he still makes me laugh. He still opens the door for me after all these years. And he still does a million little things that I love.

My advice to anyone embarking on the journey to marriage would be to ask yourselves the following:

Do we have shared values, life plans, goals and dreams? How will we spend our money? What about our time? Where will we live? Where will we travel? (Do you even like to travel?) Are you a safe space for me? A soft place to fall when the going gets tough? Younger couples or older, all of those things matter.

“I want a marriage more beautiful than my wedding.” ~ unknown

It all matters

A few weekends ago, we attended a small, simple wedding. I am not sure I would even call it that. I would call it an exchange of vows.

This is the second time around for the couple. Each has been married before, spending a near-lifetime in a marriage that ultimately did not work. Both have grown children and grandchildren, and this ceremony was about blending families.

Held at a beautiful state park, it was a casual but intimate gathering of families: the Mother of the Bride, siblings of the bride and groom, their kids and grandkids. 35 people at best.

We gathered on the pergola-covered patio just outside the park shelter. Some of us had not seen each other for a while, so we grabbed a drink, sat on picnic tables, and spent time catching up. We introduced ourselves to those we had not yet met and got to know this new, other side of the family. We took turns having our pictures taken by our family photographer.

There were no bridesmaids or groomsmen, flower girls, or ring bearers. There was no band or DJ, no big ceremony. It was just a beautiful little exchange of vows, officiated by a young officiant presiding over her first ceremony.

It took about four minutes. (Perfect, in my book!)

Once the couple exchanged vows, we ate a picnic-style menu, with hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill — most of which the groom cooked himself. There was no first dance, cake-cutting, garter, or bouquet toss. None of it necessary.

This event was not about the wedding. It was about marriage. It was about bouncing back after the heartbreaking end of a previous marriage. It was about not giving up on love, finding someone to have and to hold, and choosing someone who chooses you back. It was about committing to someone for the rest of life.

It was a perfect day.

I have always told my wedding clients that no matter what happens, the most important thing at the end of the day is they will be married. It doesn't matter that the ring bearer pukes his guts up as he is about to walk down the aisle. Or if the bridesmaid trips and falls (twice) on her way down the aisle, if the cake shows up a little off, if the florist forgets the bouquet, or even if the best man is mad at the groom and decides not to come. Nor does it matter that the videographer arrives late and unprepared, and you have to fire him on-site.

Yes, I have seen it all.

It all matters, but it really doesn’t.

There is no right or wrong way to get married. Everybody has different styles, tastes, budgets, wants, and needs. Whichever way it goes, the purpose is the vow exchange in front of our closest friends and family and sharing and celebrating a commitment in front of the people we love most.

Everything else is just fluff.

Cheers to fall weddings!

~Lisa